by Zac Smith
Editor’s note – Zac Smith is the son of Jim Smith, BBFI Associate Mission Director. He has inoperable cancer. A gifted communicator (Zac works in a church as the Central Operations Director handling web, media, design, and IT aspects of the ministry), he has been blogging about his experience. This is the third in a series of blog articles about how he is navigating through his suffering.
Once again, I must set it up with my frustration. When I came to terms with my cancer being back and getting worse — once I realized that it was not going to go away medically — my frustration changed focus. Now I was frustrated with the actual suffering. There is a continual cycle of pain in my body — sometimes to the point of writhing. This leads to an ensuing mess of pills, which leads to constipation and bloating and increased pressure on my abdomen, which leads to increased pain and therefore, more pain pills. As you can see, this endless cycle is literally mind numbing and has greatly detracted from my ability to participate. Like my grandfather used to say when he was dying of cancer, “I feel fine from the neck up.” This never-ending cycle was — and is — very frustrating.
So I began to ask God why I was still here? I feel like I have put many things into order for Mandy and the kids for when I am gone. They are secure financially and have things squared away. I finally have a real understanding of Paul’s words in Philippians 1:21: “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”
I have a yearning to go to heaven. Not just for pain relief, but because that is truly where I want to go.
Now I must add here that there is some obvious bitter sweetness in my emotions. I desperately want to live to see Lizzy get married or see the boys accomplish their dreams or travel the Mediterranean with Mandy. But there is a very real confidence in knowing that all four of them will be with me in heaven soon and that will be greater than any earthly memory. But I live in this frustrating struggle.
Why am I still here? What is next for me? Should I make another video? The first two were so powerful! What else would I say? Should I write a book? Who would publish it? So, as you can see, the questions and the musings were constant and caused me great grief with God. I felt like I had been giving all glory to Him since this began. The more debilitated I get, the less I feel I can do. And the less I feel I can do, the more I wonder why I am still here.
But then I had lunch with one of my best friends, Lee, who taught me something. Maybe I should not know what is next. Maybe we shouldn’t be praying for God to show us what is next and help our frustration. Maybe we should continue along and let Him surprise us — as He always does. We agreed that it is best to focus not on the frustration about what is next, but rather to focus on obedience. Frustration can be replaced with surprise and anticipation.
The third simple way a Christian can navigate through suffering is to focus on the exciting future God has for you instead of the painful present you find yourself wallowing in. Frustration with knowing what is next versus trusting God that what is next will be exciting is an easy choice. And so my focus moves from “what should I be doing?” to “where does God have me?” In fact, I believe not recognizing the position God has put me in can quickly turn into disobedience. God has promised us that He will complete the work.
Philippians 1:6 — “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
So, where am I? I have found that for me, personally, the obedient step is to continue forward — encouraging others, writing and sharing my feelings, and praying for those around me. By doing so, my frustration has plummeted even though the pain cycle still remains.
On that note, I am happy to welcome a complete new wave of people to the blog. In the past few days, I have seen my story used so far and wide that the impact is beyond belief. Please feel free to share my story as much and as often as you like. So many churches have called and are using the videos in their services. Whereas just a few days ago I was so bummed out about my purpose in life and my continued existence, thousands and thousands have interacted with my story since then.
So let us take our suffering and frame it — together with where God has us in the present and with the excitement that is coming next. This will help us from spinning out of control in the doldrums.
I also want to quickly acknowledge something else that has helped my family and me rise up out of the doldrums. We have received so many cards, checks, gift cards, cash, notes — all manners of tangible encouragement. We are eternally grateful for that. We appreciate the heart behind that.
Zac’s blog is www.hello-righton.com (Hello? Right on!). A video is available on the blog as well. You can send a note of encouragement to:
Zac Smith
c/o NewSpring Church
PO Box 1407
Anderson, SC 29622